Friesencold

I had a few dark days recently, but the heaviness has lifted and I am in a new place (literally). Bauer and I arrived in SC today where we will spend the next 17 days. We are staying with my grandmother, who is 80 and for whom I’m named.

I wonder all the time, how did Bauer get so happy? I suppose it’s because he doesn’t know there’s anything to be unhappy about. He doesn’t have a bad relationship with anyone, he doesn’t let any sort of addiction control him, he doesn’t realize there is anything to figure out in life except how to put his train tracks together, he doesn’t have a list of things to get accomplished, and he doesn’t think he’s missing out on anything else when he’s just hanging out at home. In fact, I’m sure there’s no where else he’d rather be than playing with his toys on the floor and having me or TJ sit with him and just be with him. That’s all Bauer asks. And even without that, he’s still an unusually happy soul.

I am so thankful that God gave him happy. I pray that happy continues in Bauer’s life and I sure hope not to ruin it for him. I want him to have that positive spirit and attitude in life, no matter what happens to him or around him. I think more than anything, what I want for Bauer is for him to live in peace and joy of spirit because he knows God and TJ and I are crazy about him and we have hope for him. I think the hope you have for another person can mean the world.

I really hope Bauer can rub off on me these next 2 weeks. I want to be more like him and be happy with the world. I want to have a big smile on my face like Bauer does, but I want the smile to be in my heart too.

The thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn.

I haven’t forgotten to change my Think, Think, Think quote on the sidebar of my blog. It’s just that I like the one there too much at the moment to change it.

Many little things have happened today and each one has meaning for me.

I tried my first pomegranate this morning. How other-worldly it seemed, but I liked it.

I dried TJ’s new sweater in the dryer by accident, and now I’m afraid it’s too small.

I continued reading the Advent devotional my mom sent me as an early Christmas present. It’s called Jesus, Be In My Christmas and that is my desire. The book is out of print, so I feel lucky to be the recipient of a copy. I like it very much.

Before TJ left for work this morning, I went outside to walk. I have been feeling very bored of the treadmill and since it was 41 degrees yesterday, I figured it might not be too bad to be outside for exercise this morning. It was around 35 when I went and it actually wasn’t bad at all. I walked for 10 minutes and then ran for 12 (well, I should probably say jogged) and then walked for another 10. I enjoyed every minute of it, and there was no hip pain. Those of you who knew me in Orlando know what a miracle this is. This matters tremendously.

I met my friend Lisa at the mall this morning to walk around and talk and to get one of my last Christmas gifts. I finally was able to use up the giftcard to The Children’s Place that I’ve been carrying around for a few months. All except for 34 cents, but isn’t that how it always seems to go?

I can’t wait to put together Bauer’s stocking. I am looking forward to Christmas morning at home together. We’ll have our usual sour cream coffee cake from the recipe passed down to me by my grandmother. We’ll have coffee to go with it, and later in the day, I’ll make a Christmas dinner with lots of sides and no meat. TJ has requested macaroni and cheese, so I’ve got to find a good recipe for that.

Last little thing with meaning, except that it’s a big thing – TJ and I will celebrate our 7th anniversary tomorrow.

TJ went with his buddies tonight to see a movie. TJ loves the movies.

And I love an evening at home alone. I spent a good 45 minutes talking on the phone to my friend Gretchen in Texas and that was a lovely conversation.

I also talked on the phone to my mom, folded a load of laundry (my favorite chore), did just a little freelance work, and then made myself some decaf green tea and had a good piece of dark chocolate.

I was in a bad mood most of today and just about wearied of my own self. On days like today, I’ve decided the best thing you can do is get through them. Don’t even attempt to have a breakthrough on a day like today. “Puttering helped, as did sweeping and working with my hands at simple tasks like washing dishes, because it’s monk work.” (Anne Lamott)

Bad mood or not, I have a Christmas tree to look at, with gifts under it too. I have some good friends who love me. I have a healthy little boy. I have a sister! I have Anne Lamott and Alexander McCall Smith and Elizabeth Berg. I have a computer with high speed internet. I have a kind husband. I have a kitchen window to look out on the world. And I have another day to live tomorrow.

That’s pretty good stuff to have. Oh yeah, and I have a bed with 800 thread count sheets on it.

It snowed here yesterday which makes it quite pretty. And it means we get to see Bob out in his yard shoveling the sidewalks. And it means we get to see TJ shoveling sidewalks too.

I finally got to attend the service at church this weekend for the first time in 5 weeks and the message series that began this weekend is on Isaiah and the names of Jesus. You know I enjoyed the passages from Isaiah.

I haven’t really posted much about the trials of potty-training but that is what the last two weeks have been about. Bauer caught on to peeing in the potty on Day 2, and today was Day 13. So we’re good with that. He wears his Elmo, Shrek or Thomas underwear all the time, except for naps, nights, and outings when he wears pull-ups. I already feel like I’m saving money on diapers.

But it’s still slow going with Bauer and the poop, and I’ve been pretty stressed about the whole thing. But I’m hanging in there. And trying to let others help me. And taking some time to journal and let God know how I’m feeling about these concerns.

Yesterday, 2 verses came to my mind as I was journaling:

2 Chronicles 16:9 – For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to show himself strong on behalf of those whose hearts are loyal to him.

Isaiah 56:1 – Maintain justice and do what is right, for my salvation is close at hand and my righteousness will soon be revealed. (To me, this is God saying, You do what is right and I am close by to save you.)

I wish it would always happen quickly, but God saves me inside the problem sometimes too. He helps me be okay even when some things aren’t okay. Even when Bauer is resisting the poop action, to the point of tears, and when I’m almost at the point of tears because I just want it out!

Moving on to more pleasant things….I cooked meat tonight and double the meat at that. I had volunteered to take some friends dinner in celebration of their new baby and their need for rest. I never know what to make for people when I volunteer to take dinner because most of the meals I cook for our family are vegetarian (without meat or cheese) and as a side dish we often have cut-up fresh veggies with hummus. I feel that this wouldn’t seem like enough to bring to someone for a nice home-cooked meal, so I always find myself scrambling at the last minute to think of what to cook. My old standby recently has been a Rachael Ray recipe for Bacon Sloppy Joes. That’s bacon and ground beef! Yum-O. For sides, I made Roasted Potatoes and Yellow Peppers with Spinach, green beans, and a salad. TJ especially enjoyed the more hearty meal tonight, but I’ll have to say that was some pretty good home-cooking.

Okay, so I was standing in line at Bed Bath & Beyond the other morning (without Bauer, which of course makes standing in line so much more pleasant) and as I waited for my turn, I was looking around and up and down at all the food items they have for sale at the front checkout area of the store. There were these displays of Pita Crisps, clipped onto this pole or rack of some sort and they went way over my head. I was wondering about the likelihood of so many people wanting Pita Crisps from Bed Bath & Beyond that the employees actually have to get a ladder to rotate the ones from the top down near the bottom so people can actually reach them. I was also looking at the bags of Ghirardelli chocolates and noticed the one on the end of the display – some kind of dark chocolate with mint filling. Yuck, I thought. Who would buy that? But that was the one that seemed to have the least bags left, or most bags bought.

My mind was wandering until I noticed these big red bags of popcorn. All Natural Kettlecorn, to be exact. And I was just thinking earlier that morning how nice it would be to have popcorn for the movie that TJ and I had planned to watch on Saturday night. But the thing is, we don’t have a microwave, and I wasn’t going to buy a popcorn popper, although I did stop and consider it for a minute when I saw them displayed in the aisle of Bed Bath & Beyond. So popcorn had been on my mind, and that is just what those marketing people want to take advantage of, I guess, by putting random stuff like huge red bags of popcorn for $3.99 right by the registers at a store like Bed Bath & Beyond. I guess they figure anything can go in the Beyond category.

Yes, indeed, I forked over $3.99 (minus the 20% off coupon) for the popcorn, and I haven’t had a minute of regret over it. Turns out this stuff is “Inspired by the gourmet kitchen of Dale and Thomas Popcorn,” and is quite addictive. TJ and I ate plenty last night and finished off the bag today, and somehow it was supposed to serve 12.

But that’s neither here nor there. The point is that I made an impulse buy, and I did not have buyer’s remorse. I might even have to go back for seconds.

The other interesting thing about my trip to Bed Bath & Beyond is that I asked the lady who rang me up if anybody ever actually comes here and buys something without a coupon. I have noticed how many of those 20% off coupons come in the mail, as well as also appearing at times in the newspaper and in magazines. So I have a thick stack of them I’ve been collecting for a while. And the nice thing is the store will accept expired coupons, and up to 5 coupons at the time, and as my cashier informed me on Saturday, even competitor’s coupons. So when I asked her if anyone ever pays without a coupon, I expected her to say – yeah, some, but not many. What she told me, though, is that ever since she started working there, no one has NOT had a coupon. I thought perhaps she was making a bit of an exaggeration so I had to know if she literally meant not one single person without a coupon. She said she had been there for almost a month, and everyone brings coupons. Maybe she only works one day a week or something and usually doesn’t ring people up at the front. Or maybe people are a lot better at remembering their coupons from home than I thought they were.

I am still making my way through Isaiah, just taking my time, and learning some important things about God. He is a God who comforts and has compassion on my ruins. He makes my deserts like gardens, and I like gardens. He does not forget me even if I, as a mother, forget to have compassion on the child I have borne. He has engraved me on the palms of his hands, a tattoo of sorts in a very unobscure place, where he can’t help but notice me all the time. He teaches me what is best for me and directs me in the way I should go, even if I am not the best listener. He gives peace and righteousness as I pay attention to him. He comforts and he redeems. He has upheld me since I was barely conceived and has carried me since I was born. I don’t quite understand that truth, but somehow I am enabled to see without being told and to know without having heard that he made, he carries, he sustains, and he rescues. And that is enough.

(See Isaiah 46-52 to find the verses that hold these truths.)

The ground is covered with the fluffy white stuff but it’s oh so bright outside. I love the brightness, the extra light that is pouring into our warm cozy house.

There were three fat squirrels on the trees just outside our living room window while ago and Bauer and I enjoyed watching those. We’ve been homebound for 2 days so far, for Operation Potty-Training is in full swing. Yesterday was hard but today has been amazing. Pee in the potty six times so far and no wet pants.

This morning I was awakened at 4:45 am by what sounded like someone shoveling snow. I thought it must be at least 6 o’clock if someone was already out shoveling their driveway. But then I looked at the clock and saw the real time and then I had to look out the window to see what was happening. The snow plow trucks were out and about. They were clearing the bank employee parking lot near our house for the people to come to work today.

In the early mornings, we also like watching our neighbors Bob and Lois, whose house faces our living room window. They both leave for work pretty early so we often see them outside before they go. Bauer knows who Bob is and he likes watching him with me. This morning Bob was out early shoveling the snow from their driveway. He seems to be one of those people who does what needs to be done with enthusiasm. He is the kind of person you would love to have as a neighbor because he would drop anything to help you.

In the middle of the day, our mailman Juan comes by our house to deliver our mail. We get old-fashioned front door service. I can even request him to leave stamps for me, which I totally should have done today since I really need some Christmas stamps for my Christmas cards and I don’t know when I’ll get to the post office. It’s not as easy as it was in the summer when I could just walk a few minutes down the street to the post office with Bauer along in the stroller. Nothing seems quite as easy in the winter for that matter, but life goes on.

We still have the squirrels and Bob to watch, we still get the mail delivered to our door (poor Juan), and then around 5 o’clock, the darkness comes early to make the hard days of winter at least seem shorter. Warm dinners seem more appreciated and Oprah is more welcome when we can’t get to the park in the afternoons. Not that I’ve watched her once this season, but it’s nice to remember I could.

Bauer pulled an old photo album of mine and TJ’s off the bookshelf earlier tonight and we started flipping through, looking at some pictures. TJ said, “remember those days?” and I wasn’t sure if he meant remember the good or remember the bad. I paused for a minute and then responded, “life was hard back then too,” to which TJ said he agreed.

Some of the pictures were taken on a couple trips we took before we were married, and others were after we got married and went on other trips. I guess most people’s albums are filled with pictures of trips or excursions of some kind. We have practically no pictures of us in our house doing the things we do so often, like me washing dishes or us eating dinner at the table or TJ out cutting the lawn or taking out the recycling bins.

Seeing the pictures of us doing things before Bauer was born, one might think those would have been the good old times, and yes, some moments were very good. But the pictures, for some reason, reminded me of the hard parts of those days….the strained relationships with family and my looming hip pain and me wanting to control too much and us not having a church we could call home.

If life was hard back then, and life is hard now too, when do we get to the easy part? We just rewatched one of my favorite movies, The Weatherman, over our Thanksgiving holiday, and there is a line in the movie that goes something like this: “There is no easy in adult world.”

But I don’t want that to be so.

I want there to be some easy parts.

I imagine people like Adele, a friend of my grandmother’s, who is so full of life and so pleasant to be around. She just has this vitality about her that makes you feel like life is good and things are going to be okay. She exudes positivity and seeing her makes me feel good and bad at the same time. Good because you feel like you, too, can overcome. But bad because you start to wonder if the only way to be like Adele, so positive and courageous and alive, is to be born that way. I don’t think I’m one of the ones who was born that way.

Life seems hard to take and hard to live more often than not, but I don’t really think God would want us to feel this way about the gift of being alive he has given us. I’m not quite sure what to do to change my perspective or to become one of those happy-go-lucky people. What I think I can do, though, is to keep learning to be relational with the people close to me, TJ and Bauer for starters, and learn about the life inside them and let their life breathe life into me. I think Jesus said he could do something like that too.