Friesencold

These are the four lines I underlined in Till We Have Faces, the C.S. Lewis book I just finished:

“Who can feel ugly when the heart meets delight?” (p. 96)

“It was her voice, and her love in her voice, that counted.” (p. 121)

“On a great day the thing that makes it great may fill the least part of it.” (p. 215)

“The day passed somehow. All days pass, and that’s great comfort.” (p. 277)

I enjoyed the story a lot, but I’m glad I don’t have to write a book report on it because it would be difficult to explain. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it might be to read, though. I read one of C.S. Lewis’s other books, Surprised by Joy, and I was just surprised by how hard it was for me to understand. This one, though, I could get into and follow for most of the story.

TJ is busy painting our kitchen windowsill blue again. While I was away in SC earlier this month, he surprised me by painting the kitchen a nice green color called Organic Garden. He painted the windowsill a lighter green that I don’t know the name of, but I was a little heartbroken to not have my blue kitchen windowsill to look out of. I loved the rest of the kitchen, but was sad about the blue around the window being gone, so TJ promised me as soon as it was warm enough (so that there wouldn’t be moisture on the window from the ice and snow outside), he would redo the window. Today it is 47! And so today he is doing what he said and already I can tell I am going to love it.

Our new fun thing to do as a family is to go to IKEA for breakfast. The cafe and restaurant opens a half hour before the store, so last Monday and again yesterday (twice in one week!), we drove to IKEA to do some returns but also to have breakfast there. You can get the regular breakfast (scrambled eggs, hash brown potatoes, and bacon or sausage) for only 99 cents. Or you can get the large breakfast, which also includes french toast sticks, for $1.99. The food is actually very good, much better than I would have thought for the store that always advertises their Swedish meatballs. TJ likes to get a cinnamon bun to go along with his regular breakfast, and I like to get the large breakfast with bacon (although I’m not too sure if I’m supposed to be eating bacon while being pregnant, although I must say it’s the thinnest bacon you have ever seen so the three pieces they give you are probably only equal to one or less). Oh yeah, TJ also likes to get that Lingonberry juice they have only at IKEA and Bauer loves it too, except it means we have to take about 3 potty breaks before we can get out of the store.

Pottying, by the way, is still going well. #2 is not as easy and quick as #1, but we have a little pattern down and on most days it works. Bauer still gets his cookie (which is just part of a Trader Joe’s Fig Bar) and often a tattoo as well when he does #2. He is so cute with peeing, though. He always says, “I do,” and he will close the door of the bathroom and he wants to do it all by himself. He really does the whole thing except for getting his pants back up. If I’m in the kitchen or elsewhere, he waddles out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles and waits for me to help him pull them up.

We’re still using pull-ups at naptime and at nighttime, as well as sometimes when we go out and know it will be difficult to get to a potty quickly. Like this morning, for instance, TJ took Bauer sledding (Bauer’s first time and TJ’s first in many years!) on the big hill near our house, and of course, he wore a pull-up for this occasion. From the pictures and videos TJ took, it looks like they had a blast.

I wish I cared more about politics and about who wins the election. I think the reason I don’t is because I feel like no matter who wins, it won’t affect me on a personal level in any way. I mean, with a Republican, we might get a little more money back, but the economy isn’t doing that great at the moment and maybe it would be good to have a change in party just for some new ideas. I really can’t offer much of an opinion on any of it because I have not done any research or reading on who is running or what they care about. To be honest, I didn’t even know who was running except Hillary and Barack (who couldn’t know those two?) until TJ and I talked about it over lunch today. If anyone knows a good book to recommend to me on why Christians should care about politics, please recommend it to me. Actually, I don’t really want another thing to tell me the shoulds, but I am open to being inspired to care.

Well, folks, it’s official. I had my first doctor’s appointment today concerning the new pregnancy, and there is one baby inside of me, not two as Bauer was hoping when he would say “2 sisters” every time I asked him if he wanted a little brother or a little sister. One is plenty for me, so we’re happy. Not to say it’s a girl….I won’t find that out for another few months.

I am not quite as far along as I thought, which is also fine by me because it means a nicer longer summer with just Bauer to keep up with before the new baby arrives. My due date is August 25th, although I was already thinking 8/08/08 would be a pretty cool day to be born (even if all the numbers are even). But I’d hate to go that early.

Boy, do I have a lot of opinions about this! Well, actually I am just really happy to have this new life growing inside of me and I think it’s a miracle. I saw the little heart beating today and all I could say was “what a miracle.” We are praying for the baby to grow healthy and strong, just as we keep praying that for Bauer as he develops.

I keep thinking of the lines to that song that goes “Blessed be the name of the LORD, Blessed be His glorious name. You give and take away. You give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Blessed be Your name.” I don’t know why that has gotten stuck in my head, but it is reminding me every day that all that we have has been given to us and it could all be taken away any day, and no matter what happens in our lives, God is enough. I am so thankful for all that we have been given so far, especially Bauer, and now we hope and pray for this new baby to join our family in full health and fresh from God.

Today the high was 8 degrees. That’s just wrong.

Bauer has the worst cold I think he’s ever had. His nose and eyes are running constantly and we’ve probably used 2 boxes of Kleenex so far. I have a cold sore, which I prefer to a cold, if I have to have something. TJ hasn’t felt completely well either, so we are just trying to survive this cold and stay as well as possible.

All Bauer has had to eat and drink today is carrot juice, Gatorade, water, bananas, apples, diced peaches and pears, cucumber sticks, and some Cheerios. He hasn’t wanted anything else, which is fine by me, since I know it’s easiest to get well when your body can rest from digesting more solid food.

TJ and I got Pot Belly Sandwich Works for lunch today. We both had veggie sandwiches, but I got my hot peppers on the side. TJ had a Pomegranate Pear Nantucket Nectar – his favorite drink – and a homemade cookie baked fresh daily. I had a cup of their Garden Vegetable soup with the all natural soup crackers that come with it. I want to buy some of those in the store, but haven’t come across them yet.

TJ had to work most of today, but he came home for a little while just before lunch so that I could go over to a friend’s daughter’s birthday party to drop off her gift. I had planned to take Bauer, but obviously with his cold, I can’t have him around other kids right now.

Bauer’s new favorites are Bob the Builder, Clifford the Big Red Dog, and Curious George. My aunt gave me several books that belonged to my cousin Chase when we were in Hilton Head, so it’s been fun having some new books to read to Bauer. We already owned the Curious George Treasury, which is a book of about 8 stories, and Bauer will literally sit for 100 pages of that. The pages are short, but still….

My new favorites are taking naps, the spinach salad from Lou Malnati’s, Kashi Heart to Heart cereal, not using coupons, and doing puzzles in my Penny Press Variety Puzzles book. I’ve been working off and on all day on a puzzle called “Alphabetics.”

Speaking of the spinach salad from Lou Malnati’s, I had that for the first time recently when our friends Jeff and Jaime were over at our house for dinner. We ordered “The Lou,” our favorite deep dish pizza from Lou Malnati’s, and to go along with the pizza, Jeff and Jaime wanted the spinach salad. I tried it and thought it was so good. So the other night, the day we arrived home to Naperville actually, we decided to order dinner from Lou Malnati’s and I wanted to get the large spinach salad. The takeout menu we have says it will serve 4-5, so I figured it would be enough for dinner that night and then leftovers the next day. The funny thing is I ate the whole entire thing. And then I realized that whole salad probably had less calories than a piece of “The Lou.” Not to say, I didn’t also eat some pizza, but I couldn’t believe I ate that whole salad. It was just what I was craving, so I guess the menu should say “Serves 4-5 normal people, or 1 pregnant person.”

Yes, that’s right. I’m pregnant. Or should I say, we’re pregnant, since it takes two. I found out the third day I was in Hilton Head, so I had to tell TJ over the phone, which was kind of a bummer, but I knew I couldn’t wait 2 weeks to tell him. My first doctor’s appointment is this Wednesday, so I’ll know more after that. But from what I can figure, I’m about 10 weeks along and will be due sometime in August. TJ and I had only begun trying so it happened faster than we expected, but we are glad to be expecting a baby just 3 years after Bauer. When I ask Bauer if he wants a brother or a sister, he for some reason says “two sisters.” Yikes!

The Chinese Lunar Calendar says it will be a girl, so that’s kind of what I’m expecting it to be. But I’ll take either. For now, though, I’m just taking it easy and taking naps and trying to eat what I crave when I can figure that out. I’m not working out as much – but who can blame you in 8 degree weather?

As of today, I’ve officially resigned from cutting out coupons. I have been the queen of this, as TJ and any of my friends could tell you. I always scan the fliers to see what is on sale each week, and then I try to match coupons accordingly and save money where I can. I have cut out coupons for as long as I can remember, and I’ve never done it half-heartedly.

And therein lies the problem.

I finally acknowledged this morning in a conversation with my mom that I’m just not one of those people who can back off and halfway do something like cutting out, filing, and using coupons. If I’m going to do it, I’m going to do it as efficiently and effectively as possible, and that has been its own reward to me – knowing I have some control in the matter and the system (the grocery industry) doesn’t have the control over me by making me spend more money than is necessary.

But the whole coupon system is controlling me instead. It is taking pieces of my mental and emotional energy each week (even daily at times) and making me worry about things like when my coupons expire and whether I’ll get to use them in time, and if – God, forbid – I somehow forget to bring along my coupon file, then I don’t feel free to just go ahead and buy whatever the item is that I have a coupon at home for. Or if I do get it, I can’t shake the thought that I could have saved the money.

When the money is all added up, though, how much do you think it is? I don’t know because I’ve never really kept up with a running tab. I just feel better knowing I am saving us money. But you see, today I realized that however much money I’m saving, I’d pay that to have more peace of mind and more emotional and mental energy to spend on other more important things. I have been giving a lot of myself for something that gives back relatively little. And I don’t want to do that anymore.

And I don’t have to.

And I am happy.

And God is happy.

And my mama is happy, too.

While I’ve been here in Hilton Head, I’ve felt so much less of an agenda than I normally feel at home. There are not really any people to see, or tasks to get done, or things to buy, beyond the daily attendance to Bauer’s and my needs. It has been so much simpler here and I’ve found myself praying and asking God to help me change when I go back home.

Here are a couple journal entries from the past few days:

“I want to be different when I go back home than I’ve been in the past. I’m not sure how to do that when I know so many things will be swirling around me. And so many people will be calling my name, but yours (God’s) is the voice I want to hear most clearly and most often. I want your word to speak deep into my heart and soul and transform my mind. I have hope that I can be different, better, less agitated, less preoccupied.”

“In Let God, Winn paraphrases Fenelon as saying, “When we are weak – and know it – we don’t feel the compulsion to hold onto so much” (p. 19-20). God, that’s how I want my life to be different when I return home next week than from how it used to be. I don’t want to feel the compulsion to hold onto so much. God, I don’t have a clue how to really do that but I think waiting – listening – being still – those are all big parts. I must hold onto you and let you hold me and trust that that connection will give me new desires, desires not so much for tasks to be done but for life to be lived, for me to feel loved and to love, for me to abandon myself in the knowledge that I won’t be God-abandoned (that’s another of Fenelon’s thoughts).”

And here is how God answered me. I got to page 22 of Let God, where the 2-page entry is written “To A Friend in Need of Perspective.” I’d say I could use a new perspective. And here is what Winn writes from Fenelon’s writing, which seems to have been written just for me.

“Here’s how you can start releasing control: Be humble and simple, whether you are around the power brokers…or alone, with nobody to impress but yourself. Don’t make any decision because it’s what is expected or because it’s what makes sense or because it just seems like it’s what you want to do. That’s illusion stuff. Rather, make every decision an act of listening to another voice: the Spirit of God. And then, after you’ve listened and heard, obey….

Don’t always be pining away for what might be better in the future, forgetting about today. God is your deep pleasure now, today.”

The words keep going, on and on, just as good, but I probably shouldn’t type the whole entry since that’s probably illegal based on the written permission line that is in tiny type at the fronts of books. But wow – can you see how exciting that must have been for me? I had truly been saying to God – how?

How can I not have to be so in control? How can I not have to do everything as efficiently as possible just because I can? How can I not have to enter all the receipts the day I have them in my purse? How can I not have to keep the pantry and refrigerator super-organized just because it somehow makes me feel better? How can I not drive myself crazy making lists all the time of things to do and places to go? How can I just rest more and listen more? How? Please tell me how.

And then….He did, and He does, and He will. I loved the line about not doing anything because it just seems like it’s what you want to do. I really think that might be the key to the first door into the new life I desire. I’m also reading the book Sacred Parenting by Gary Thomas, and he says something in there about the difference between a Christian and a pagan is that the Christian listens for what God is saying. That seems like such a simple definition and helps me realize that I do want to listen to God and I do want to be a Christian.

It seems I’ve had more frustrated moments at the post office than just about anywhere on earth. Today it was more of a meltdown.

I had gone there this morning with Bauer to mail 2 packages, one of which was a book I am lending to my friend Maggie. I gave that package to the lady at the counter and told her I would like to send it as Media Mail since it was a book. She asked me if there was a card or letter or other form of communication inside. I have never been asked this before, and if I’d known better, I would have asked her why she was asking. I said yes, because I had taken a white index card and written a few short lines to Maggie and stuck it inside the front of the book.

The lady said that would cost me an extra $0.41 cents to mail in addition to the Media Mail rate of $2.13 because the note inside is considered First Class Mail. She told me the Media Mail would take 7-10 days to arrive, so then I asked for my other options.

She said Priority would be 2-3 days and $4.60, while Parcel Post would be 4-5 days and $3.70. I quickly decided on Parcel Post, only to hear her say, oh, wait a minute, you can’t send it Parcel Post because you have a letter inside. So then I said, well can you ask me the question about the letter again and let’s just start this whole thing over?

By this point, I could feel the frustration really beginning. She said no, we couldn’t start over and I had the 2 options – Media Mail or Priority Mail. So then I thought to ask, well what if I just take it out to the automated machine out there in the lobby and mail it myself as Parcel Post? She said they would have the right to open it, and since she knew there was a letter inside, she gave me the feeling that she was hinting she may do that on purpose…..which about floored me.

Then she offered the option to me that I could open the mailer envelope and take out the index card and then it could go as Parcel Post. I thought that would work, so I removed the card and then asked if I could write on the outside of the envelope a short one-sentence line “Here’s the book!” so my friend Maggie could at least have some sort of personal communication from me and not just a book thrown into an envelope. I thought that sounded reasonable.

She said no, and at this point, I really got upset. I was like, you mean, I can’t write whatever I want on the outside of the envelope and if I do write something, then you won’t be allowed to send it Parcel Post?! I asked to speak to a manager and while I was waiting, another lady who had been working at another post behind the counter came over and tried to explain the same thing to me, which really only made it worse, because the more I had to speak about it, the more I could hear my own frustration and before long that frustration had turned to sadness and tears.

The lady who I was working with (or not working with) at first finally came back and told me to go to that door over there that says Manager and the manager would speak to me. I walked over with Bauer and went in the door and I just lost it. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I tried to explain what happened to the nice manager man sitting behind the desk. He listened patiently and didn’t say a whole lot. He just sort of nodded and seemed to empathize with me, although at the same time, I could tell he was agreeing that his worker did do what the “letter of the law” required. He said before he got there, things had gotten too lax and he was trying to get things back more balanced, but he felt like maybe this went a little too far and he was sorry I had a bad experience. Whether he actually said sorry or not, I took what he said to mean he was sorry and before long, he was offering me a box of Kleenex and telling me if he was me, he would take my package out to the automated machine and leave the index card in the book and send it as Parcel Post. I said okay and as I was about to leave, he said he would like it if I stayed a few minutes longer so I could calm down and breathe.

All the time I was talking to him, Bauer was messing with the door and I had to keep calling to Bauer to try to keep him well-behaved enough, and then just as I was almost done and about to go, the nice manager said “Bauer, what did Santa bring you for Christmas?” Just having him acknowledge Bauer and try to help me in that way by distracting him so I could pull myself together was a huge act of grace on his part. Especially since I said to him during my explanation a few minutes earlier that I felt like this is just how post offices are – places for bad experiences to happen – because they are owned by the government and you just come to expect long lines and rude workers. I could tell he didn’t take too kindly to that comment, and then I said it’s not just this post office…..so as to indicate I wasn’t saying it personally against his team, but I guess it probably did seem personal. Nonetheless, he remained very calm during the whole ordeal and didn’t make me feel dumb for feeling. And then on top of that, he spoke kindly to my son and offered me a place to stay for a few minutes while I calmed down.

And I didn’t even get his name. I thanked him, of course, before I left and then I went to the machine and mailed my 2 packages, both as Parcel Post.

I got in the car and cried some more because the tears were coming so easily. The whole experience reminded me that you don’t know what kind of pain people might be in and you don’t know how close to tears someone may be and you don’t know what will open the gate to let those tears out. And whenever someone is crying, like I was this morning, to have someone be kind and full of grace toward you, can truly help you maintain some dignity and humanness. I felt as human as I possibly could and that was a good thing even though it was all bundled up inside a few pretty awful moments.

That little bird has chosen his shelter. Above it are the stars and the deep heavens of worlds. Yet he is rocking himself to sleep without caring for tomorrow’s lodging, calmly clinging to his little twig, and leaving God to think for him. (Martin Luther)

I received a package in the mail today at my grandmother’s house in Hilton Head. It was from my sister Holly and I was so excited to open it. She sent me the loveliest hard cover bird calendar for 2008. There are pictures of birds, quotes about birds, and space to write a little bit about each day of the year. It’s one of those nice things you almost don’t want to use, but I’m gonna use it, and love it.

Speaking of birds, I just finished reading a book my Aunt Suzy gave me for Christmas called Feathers from my Nest. The author is Beth Moore, and although I am somewhat familiar with her Bible studies, I know this is not the type of book I would normally pick up in a store and think I would like. However, upon my aunt’s recommendation, and considering she thoughtfully purchased the book for me for Christmas, I decided to make it my first read of the new year. It was a quick read, short chapters of reflections on Mrs. Moore’s life as a mom to her 2 daughters and 1 son. I gleaned a few good thoughts from her reflections, one being that “dealing with pain from the outside is far easier than dealing with pain from the inside.” I know I’d prefer that for Bauer as I would for myself too.

I am enjoying my time here in Hilton Head immensely. I am enjoying the absolute quietness in the house during the times when Bauer is asleep and my grandmother is resting. I am reading from Revelation and Isaiah and telling God I want him to begin to mean the world to me. I pray I will want to know God more and that he will be available for me. I am reading a novel my mom recommended as well as slowly beginning the journey into the world of Francois Fenelon through a book that my friend Miska’s husband Winn penned. I am being quiet more but developing relationships at the same time. I have written a letter to an old friend in Anderson, SC, as well as finished all of our Christmas thank yous for this year. I brought along more stationery in case the words within me cannot be contained in my mind or on my blog. I even took a nap today while Bauer napped, yet the day did not seem too short or chaotic with an hour’s less time.

Another thing I pray for this year is that I will be able to stop all my striving to achieve the perfection I feel compelled to achieve in a variety of arenas. I want to Let God, as the book by Winn is called, and stop trying to run my world. It has made me nothing but tired and moody, which is why this respite in the South is such a blessing. I want to be still on the inside and let that be reflected on the outside, especially in how I relate to TJ first and Bauer second. The hopes I have for myself are nothing but wishful thinking without a power bigger than myself, and that power I give myself to is the Almighty, as dear “Aunt Sara” from Ambassador Camp would say when I was a little seven-, eight-, and nine-year old camper learning about Jesus and how to waterski at Lake Waccamaw. Those are some of my finest memories and they involved God, which answers a big looming question in my mind as of late: How to share God with Bauer without making him feel that he had no choice but to believe? But then again, do any of us who are called have a choice?

Before I get all theological (which I’m not), let me move on to say I think that in order for what feels like the unchangeable in me to actually be changed this year, I need the hope of those around me who will believe with me and pray with and for me, that I have it in me to be different. I need people who are alive and who breathe easier than me to show me what it looks like. I need soulmates and sojourners. I need other people who love words as much as I do and God more than I do. I need people who will be happy for me and sad with me. I’m collecting people like that, and I have a couple in my collection so far, and in them my heart rejoices.

I look forward to the day when Isaiah 61:18-20 becomes my reality:

No longer will violence be heard in your land, nor ruin or destruction within your borders, but you will call your walls Salvation and your gates Praise….

The LORD will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory….

The LORD will be your everlasting light, and your days of sorrow will end.