Friesencold

I loved being in Texas with my friend Gretchen this past weekend. I stayed with Gretchen and her family, which is her husband Nate and their two boys, Ethan and Jack. Jack is very close in age to Bauer, so it was fun to see his development in comparison with Bauer’s, but it also made me miss the cute and funny things Bauer does.

Gretchen and I got lots of time to hang out and just talk. We never seem to run out of things to talk about. It was fun to see their town and the places they go on a daily and weekly basis. We ate some good food and I ate a ton! We went out a few times – to Jason’s Deli, to this Mexican place on the Riverwalk in downtown San Antonio,

and to Chick-fil-A. We don’t have Chicky-chik, as TJ and I call it, here in Illinois, so it was great to eat an original chicken sandwich with lettuce and tomato and some waffle fries. We also ate at Gretchen’s house some, and every recipe she made, I loved and want to add to my repertoire. We had this crock-pot vegetarian chili with whole-wheat beer bread one night and another night we had lemon-poppyseed turkey burgers with Napa cabbage slaw. That last combination was a Rachael Ray recipe and boy was it tasty. Even after eating a huge, late Mexican lunch, I could still fit some of that in. We also had some creamy, full-of-fat Caramel Pecan Turtle ice cream on Sunday night while we watched the Oscars, and a bag of Cadbury Mini Eggs throughout the days I was there.

Enough about food, I suppose, but with all that, I only gained 3 pounds in my 1st trimester. (I had my 2nd pregnancy visit doctor’s appointment yesterday and everything seems to be going fine with Baby #2. The nurse found the baby’s heartbeat right away and the doctor answered my questions about flying at 31 weeks – I can! Beachtrip! – and about lifting weights – I can, but just light ones. I scheduled my ultrasound appointment to find out the gender for April 16. By that point, I’ll be just over 21 weeks, so I hope they can predict it for me).

But back to Texas – after church on Sunday, Gretchen and I went to downtown San Antonio to have lunch and walk around. We had planned to eat at this one place Gretchen knew of that was a really crazy atmosphere supposedly, but the wait was going to be an hour and I was starving already. So we went to a different place on the Riverwalk and only had to wait about 20 minutes. The food was so good. And getting to eat outside and enjoy the warm sunshine made it that much better. It was high 80s on Sunday, so I got to wear my new short-sleeve American Eagle shirt and my camo capris. I was loving it!

After lunch, we walked further down the Riverwalk and saw all the gorgeous flowers planted everywhere.

We went up and walked on the street level for a while and then walked over to the Alamo. We also stopped by a candy store for a few pieces of orange slices, Swedish fish, and pink Starburst. But my favorite experience in downtown San Antonio was going to a Henna tattoo shop.

I have been thinking about getting a tattoo for a while and I know I want it on my arm and I know I want words. For a while, I wanted the quote “Arrange whatever pieces come your way. -V.W.” But then when I came home from Hilton Head in January and felt like I could truly stop trying to arrange my life so much, I thought maybe that’s not the best quote. So then I had decided on a quote I made up: “He means the world.” This would be referring to God, because I want him to mean the world to me. But it could also apply to TJ and to Bauer and to our next baby if it’s a boy. But if it’s a girl, then maybe she would feel left out. So I wasn’t completely sold on that quote, and after applying the words using temporary-tattoo letters, I decided it was going to be too long anyway.

So just before my trip to Texas, I had decided on what I thought would truly be the word tattoo I wanted – the Hebrew word for enough. TJ is actually the one who suggested the Hebrew, and I agreed, since I wasn’t too crazy about the English word enough. But “enough” is definitely what I want to say. It means that God is enough for me. God’s enoughness covers my not-enoughness. God’s enoughness covers my weakness, my tiredness, my confusion, my misplaced desires, my uncertainties, and every other way I am not enough. For the very first time in my place, or at least for the first time since I had that innocent faith as a little child, I am truly feeling that God is, and is going to be, enough for me. No matter what happens in my life, being given to or being taken away from, God is going to sustain me and care for me. And I love him for that. And I want to say to myself and to the world that he is enough. So enough is the word I had decided on and even though it had only been a few days since I had decided, I was feeling pretty sure on this one.

Gretchen and I were passing all kinds of shops in downtown San Antonio and the door was propped open at one of them, some sort of clothing store, and a big sign on the door said “Henna Tattoos, Last Up to 4 Weeks.” I was interested so we went in. I did not know what a Henna tattoo was, but obviously could deduct that it was temporary. I guess I forgot to mention that I cannot get a real tattoo while pregnant or breast-feeding, so I had pretty much planned that I’d have to wait till at least my 30th birthday in July 2009. But temporary was sounding good to me as a trial run, if nothing else.

We went in the store and I began talking to the man who was applying a Henna tattoo of a star to a girl’s foot. The first thing I noticed about the man was that he was wearing one of those black beanie hats, which I’m sure have a name, but which to me signified (at least, I thought it meant) he was Jewish. I started asking him what Henna tattoos are made of and whether they are safe to do while pregnant. He told me they are made from all-natural dyes, similar to hair coloring solution, like when you are dying your hair and some of the dye runs onto your forehead and it sort of stains it. But the Henna dye is more concentrated so it stays on your skin for around 4 weeks. He said he didn’t know if it was safe to have during pregnancy, but the girl who was having the star tattooed on her foot chimed in that even though they say not to dye your hair during pregnancy, a lot of people do and it doesn’t cause harm. I could see that point, but at the same time, I just felt unsure about doing something I had not personally looked up on the Internet first.

But I was torn because it was only $12, but more amazingly, here was a Jewish man (who had spent the first 26 or 27 years of his life in Israel) who knew the Hebrew word for enough and would be willing to tattoo it on me and would know just how to form the letters properly. I kept thinking maybe this is a sign that I should do it, and I was getting more excited but at the same time not 100% sure it was okay for the baby. I told the guy I wanted to do it but I wondered if he had a computer so I could go online and check real quickly to see if it’s safe. He said he would call his wife at home (who was also expecting a baby this summer). I don’t know if they are allowed to have Henna tattoos and I don’t even know if his wife cared a thing about tattoos, but that’s beside the point. The point is he called his wife for me and asked her if she would look online and she said she would call back shortly. Gretchen and I chit-chatted while waiting and soon, the man came back and said “Bad news.” He didn’t say what she found online but I assumed it was unsafe to get a Henna tattoo while pregnant. However, the nice Jewish man was more than happy to write down the Hebrew word for enough for me, as well as the English pronunciation. So now I have it on a little yellow slip of paper and it’s about the coolest souvenir I could have gotten.

Gretchen and I ended up talking to him for probably 20 more minutes about all kinds of Jewish things, like whether he keeps a kosher kitchen (he does), what his wife had to do to convert from Catholicism (travel 3 hours each way once a week for a year to visit a rabbi, and then to sometimes be told he couldn’t even meet with her, to find out if she was truly serious about converting), and whether there are any good Jewish delis in San Antonio (there are not, according to our new friend). Gretchen grew up in a Jewish community in Florida, not that she was Jewish, but she knew a lot of Jewish people as well as a lot of Jewish terminology. I had just finished reading Lauren Winner’s book Girl Meets God a week before my trip, and it was all about the author’s journey into Orthodox Judaism (she converted), as well as her journey back out as she felt Jesus calling her to himself and to being a Christ-follower. The book gave me a much deeper understanding of the Jewish faith, not to mention a somewhat-familiarity with Jewish rituals and holidays. It was such a very cool experience to have with Gretchen that day, even if I didn’t end up getting the tattoo.

Come to find out, once we got back to Gretchen’s house, I went online to see for myself why a Henna tattoo would be bad, and not one thing could I find that said don’t get one while you are pregnant. All the sites I found said they are perfectly safe to get during pregnancy. I’m not sure what site the guy’s wife must have found, so I was a little bummed that I ended up not getting one. But that just gives me and my friend Miska something fun to do when she comes to visit me in a couple weeks. There’s gotta be a place in downtown Chicago that does Henna tattoos, but I doubt I’ll find a Jewish tattoo artist again.

I hope you will now. There is something just plain spooky-special about the number 47.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was given the number 47 as my order number yesterday to put up on my table at Corner Bakery Cafe so the server would know where to deliver my food. Well, the saga continues…

Today, after picking Bauer up from his first real day of preschool,

we headed to the library to drop off a bunch of books and a few DVDs, and to get more books and more DVDs. Bauer gets to pick 3 DVDs each time we go and we get to keep them for a week. Today he picked The Little Einsteins, Bear in the Big Blue House, and Jay-Jay the Jet Plane.

Let me sidetrack here a minute and say this is another example of Bauer having to “check” something. When we take the DVDs off the shelves at the library, Bauer wants to check to be sure the DVDs are in their cases (wonder who he learned that from?). And then just before we return the DVDs into the drop box, he also wants to check to be sure they’re in their cases (wonder who he learned that from?)

So after we left the library, I was feeling really quite hungry and craving some of that Roasted Tomato Basil soup that I had yesterday for the first time at the Corner Bakery. It is super-cold here, today and every day, which is another great reason to get the soup that one craves. I decided to stop by the restaurant and go in quickly with Bauer to get some soup to go, along with those big buttery croutons that they put in the soup and that get all soggy and delicious. I placed my order and then….drum roll, please….the guy handed me the number 47 again as my order number. I know not every one gets 47 because I saw the guy after me get number 95. But is there something in my genetic code that attracts 47 to me?! I couldn’t believe it, but really, I could. I could write about 47 more “47″ stories. TJ and I have had stuff like this happen to us so many times it’s ridiculous. We’ve come to expect it in fact.

So you better start believin,’ is all I can say.

Bauer seems to have done great at his first day of preschool. He seemed a little sad for me to leave him there this morning, but when I picked him up, the teacher said he had no tears and had such a fun time. They gave me a little handout where one of the high school students had written out what Bauer had learned, what he had for snack, who he played with, what he excelled at. Evidently, Bauer learned about various types of musical instruments, he had apple guitars and banana drums (whatever those are!) for snack, he built a tower out of blocks with a little boy named Sullivan, and he was a “natural” at catching the football during gym time. I don’t think he’s ever even held a football, so go figure, little Mr. TJ. (As in, TJ is good at pretty much everything, even on his first try).

Well, except maybe cooking.

I’m 1/3 of the way through my pregnancy, as of yesterday. My next doctor’s appointment is a week from today and I look forward to an update on my progress.

Since being pregnant, I have not wanted even one cup of hot green tea, which I used to drink almost daily. And only just in the last 2 weeks have I wanted any sort of coffee drink. I’ve had three lattes lately, one from Ethel’s Chocolate Bar, one from Starbucks, and then again maybe it was just two.

TJ and I had a date the other night. We tried a new babysitter, not that anything is wrong with our old faithful small group night babysitter. Bauer loves her, but I was just wanting to find a second reliable person to call on in case our first one is unavailable for some reason. Bauer did terrific with his new babysitter, and TJ and I went to dinner first. Stir Crazy. Veggie stir fry done just the way we’d want it since we got to pick all the veggies and the sauce. Then we went to Target to walk around and look around and ended up spending $130 or thereabout. I mean, really, does anyone ever go in Target and come out with nothing? I did have a list in fact, so it wasn’t all just impulse buying. We even bought a second car seat for Bauer, to put in TJ’s car, since we plan to take turns dropping off and picking up Bauer from his preschool. After Target, TJ and I went to Starbucks for sweets. TJ had the caramel latte and me the plain one. TJ would have gotten the ginger-molasses cookie if they’d have had it, but instead he got some sort of coffee cake. I just ate the chocolate that we’d just bought at Target. Heaven.

Thank God for chocolate. Seriously.

I wrote that in my journal two times today as I was journaling and eating chocolate. Cadbury Mini Eggs. I always hope the blue ones are the ones that come out of the bag when I stick my hand in. I’d be happy with a bag of all blue ones, although some people think they are purple. See, I have this thing for blue….

And the number 47. Today I took Bauer to Story Time at Barnes & Noble and met up with a couple of friends there who brought along their boys. Us three moms and our three boys went to Corner Bakery Cafe for lunch after the Story Time and wouldn’t you know – I mean, if you know us, you would know – that the number for my order was 47. The number they gave me to put on the metal stand on my table, to say to the world – this represents my order, my food, in fact, what I’m going to put in myself and it will become part of me – the number 47.

Bauer’s latest funny thing to say is that he will “check.” He applies this to all kinds of situations. When I ask him first thing in the morning if Dad has already helped Bauer to take off his pull-up and put on his underwear, Bauer will say, “let’s check,” and he proceeds to pull down his pants and see if he is wearing underwear (as if he can’t remember the ordeal I’m sure it was for TJ to get his squirming butt out of the pull-up and into the underwear).

Second example: the other day, I asked Bauer if he wanted peaches for a snack, and he said, “no, pears.” I said I don’t know if we have any pears, so Bauer said, “let’s check.” And he walks to the kitchen, opens the pantry, climbs on the stool, and wants to look for pears.

Third: We were in Meijer the other day doing grocery-shopping and normally when we’re there, I go down the frozen foods aisle just to see if they have the Amy’s Roasted Vegetable Pizza we like to buy. They have lots of Amy’s pizzas, but only once in a while do they have the Roasted Vegetable ones in stock. I think they forget to order them, as opposed to them flying off the shelves into people’s carts. Well, this particular shopping trip, I hadn’t even thought to go look for the pizza and I would have totally passed through the store without doing so. But as we started going by the frozen food aisles, Bauer said, “check pop-pee (pizza),” meaning he wanted to check for the pizza. I couldn’t believe he remembered it.

Bauer makes us laugh all the time these days. He is always checking for something, or hiding something, or mixing things up on purpose. He loves, loves, loves puzzles all of a sudden. We just bought him a big floor puzzle of the U.S.A. and although he needs assistance, he is quite adept at putting together different parts of the puzzle that have images representing the states. He also knows to point to the cityscape in Illinois to represent where we live and he likes to get out his toy airplane and fly it from where we live to Gigi’s house in NC and to Nana & Papa’s in Pennsylvania (where the pretzel is). TJ taught him that and it’s adorable.

I’m in a writing mood as we speak, but my time is limited. Good night!

I can tell I need to write today. I wanted to write yesterday but today I need to. My feelings must be talked about.

I feel drained and low on energy yet at the same time I feel a desire for God and simplicity and good friends and prayer and just plain life. I do not feel depressed and that is significant. I feel pregnant and have a baby belly to show for it. I feel the enjoyment of eating good food, even if it’s a grilled cheese sandwich which is something I very seldomly choose to eat. I feel the excitement of living a generous life, even if I’m not quite sure what to give away. I feel like I’ve given a lot of myself to people and to arranging get-togethers and to making meal plans in the last couple of weeks, and even though I’m resting a lot more and pushing myself to do a lot less, I still feel like today I have reached a place where I must stop once again and reevaluate my intentions and write this note to myself to be shared with my friends.

I am pleasantly surprised with my joy at living lately. Living has never been the easiest thing for me and even last night, I had to struggle through how to deal with getting my second order in a row from Chipotle that was messed up. The first time – a week ago – they left off the peppers and onions, and last night, they left off the black beans. And with it being a “veggie bowl,” the black beans were kinda like the main part. I did have a can of black beans at home that I could open and heat up, but still it irked me tremendously and I wished I would have been better at dealing with such a small inconvenience. In reading Let God, I began to develop an awareness of and a pining for learning “to be content with whatever God makes happen, big or small.” I also learned that God gives us just the right amount of struggle and just the right amount of strength, and that makes me feel a lot better about life in general.

After my Chipotle experience, I could tell I had a hard time bouncing back, not to mention I had spent the hour previous to that trying to get a prescription filled (which took longer than I’d planned) and then getting Bauer in and out of the van again at the library to return the DVDs that were due and to let him choose a few more. It doesn’t sound like much to do two errands but with the cold weather, I’m saying it at least doubles the difficulty. And I need to remember that and not try to do more than I can mentally and emotionally handle. The physical can take it, though maybe not quite as fast these days, what with being pregnant and Bauer weighing 36 pounds and becoming a bit too heavy for me to carry very far and the snow and ice everywhere making any trek out more trouble than I’d wish on any mom. But my spirit begs for more quietness and time at home and talking patiently with Bauer and preparing meals for my family and reading and thinking and especially writing. So I’m listening to my spirit and the Spirit today.

Three unrelated things are on my mind today to blog about, so I will bring them all together in a post.

First, cravings. Here are a few of the things I have wanted to eat since being pregnant.

1) Raisin Bran – I don’t eat cereal very often, but for some reason, I wanted some Raisin Bran one night after dinner when TJ was going to Jewel for something. He bought me some, and I had 2 bowls that night, and none since.

2) Meatball sub from Subway – I fulfilled this craving while we were in Hilton Head, but sometime I think I’ll try the meatball sub from Pot Belly Sandwich Works, which has become one of my favorite places to eat lately.

3) Cheese balls – Does anyone remember those old-timey blue cans of Cheese balls with the yellow lids? Mary-Ma (my grandmother) used to have these at her house for us kids to eat when we were little. I guess no one cared about Trans Fat or fake ingredients back then, because when I went to the store to look for these same cheese balls, I couldn’t find and maybe they don’t even make them anymore they were so probably so bad for you. I found the usual Cheetos (puffy ones and crunchy ones). I would have bought these until I had to go and look at the ingredients. I decided on a healthier version called Garden of Eatin’ Baked Crunchitos, which I’ll have to say are pretty tasty. I had to open them on the way home from the store the day I bought them. I always imagine people doing this, and I rarely do, except for maybe a banana. So it was a fun splurge.

4) Dill pickles – On sale at Meijer. Salty. Vlasic Sandwich Stackers. But still unopened in my fridge.

5) Peanut Butter M&M’s – Just bought myself a single-serve pack of these and enjoyed half of them last night. The rest will be gone soon.

6) Peanut butter – I went for the longest time without eating any peanut butter since Bauer always eats almond butter on his sandwiches and I like it just fine. But recently while making a peanut butter sandwich for TJ’s lunch, the smell of the peanut butter made me want some. Later that day or the next, I had an apple with peanut butter. That’s a great snack, but I’ve also enjoyed bread with peanut butter, as well as regular M&M’s dipped in peanut butter. That must have given me the idea for the Peanut Butter M&M’s.

What a nice segue (and what a weird spelling for a word). Peanut Butter. Peanuts. Allergies.

We learned today that Bauer is allergic to peanuts, cashews, and eggs.

Those were the 3 things I thought he was allergic to, so it wasn’t a great surprise to find this out. The allergist we saw was so nice and helpful (thanks to our small group leader Rudy for the great recommendation). They tested Bauer by doing the scratch tests on his back while he got to watch an Elmo DVD. It was quite a good setup they had: a bunch of DVDs in the room for the kid to choose from, as well as coloring books, books, puzzles, and other toys. TJ took Bauer while I was at Connections and then after I was done, I met them there.

As far as follow-up, the doctor wants us to have some blood tests run on Bauer – I think it’s called Rast test or something like that. This will enable him to see whether Bauer is becoming less allergic from year to year, as opposed to just noting that he is allergic to the same foods from year to year. In addition, we received a prescription for the Epi-Pen Jr, which I plan to have filled right away, as well as take the extra one along to his preschool next week when he starts that.

The other things they tested Bauer for were milk, chocolate, cantaloupe, sesame seeds (not sure why they picked this one), and navy beans. All of these came back negative. Previously, Bauer had had one reaction to cantaloupe, but has had cantaloupe many times since with no reactions. So thankfully he’s not allergic to something too healthy like fruit. I can live with him not eating nuts or eggs. And also thankfully, he is not allergic to almonds (which the doctor said is actually one of the least allergenic tree nuts) since Bauer has an almond butter and jelly sandwich almost every day for lunch and that would be a hard thing to replace.

And what another great segue. Replacement of things. Such as towels. Does anyone else find that bath towels are one of the hardest things to shop for, buy, and be happy with a few months later? They might seem okay at first (or they might be made of some less-than-stellar cotton or cotton blend to begin with and not even dry you off properly), but we’ve noticed that within a few months, they either start to shred or to smell bad or both. Our last decent towels were from Kohl’s and we got them during one of their 60% off sales or something like that. They were actually pretty good and weren’t smelling bad and were soft and good for drying off, but my washcloth was already in tatters.

And then one day after I ate at Pot Belly Sandwich Works in downtown Naperville, I happened to see the window display at the Restoration Hardware next door, along with a huge Bath Sale sign. I went in to look at the beautiful color combinations they had displayed and to try to find some prices, but all I could see was that they were 20% off. I asked the lady at the counter when the sale ended, as well as what the prices were, and she directed me to the side wall where there were lots more colors of towels, as well as their prices listed. No one had to convince me once I saw even more of the colors and unfolded the bath towel and felt it in my hand. I started to add up the cost to get the towels we’d need, and decided this should be discussed with TJ before taking any action.

We talked about it and I suggested we do it as a Valentine’s gift to one another instead of getting each other cards, gifts, or going out for the holiday. The sale was to end this past Sunday, so on Sunday after church, we went by for TJ to take a look and see what he thought. He really liked them, too, but I think he did it more for me. He knows I have always cared about my towels. When we were in New York City this past summer, the family we stayed with for those few days had Restoration Hardware towels, and I thought it was about the best thing ever to be able to have such nice towels. I never thought we’d actually get them though.

And it ended up that the colors we picked out for bath towels and washcloths – dark brown for TJ and this sea foam greenish-blue for me – were even a better choice than we meant to make since the greenish-blue ones were discontinued and on sale for half-price instead of only the 20% and we didn’t realize that when we picked them out. Obviously, that’s the color of bathmat we picked as well. We couldn’t decide on what color hand towel would be complementary, so a lady working there helped us pick out a grayish-beige color. Perfect.

And they are perfect.

I know because I hope they last forever. This is how I am when I have something that becomes my favorite -

such as a piece of clothing (my American Eagle hoodie which I literally wear every single day)

or a pair of shoes (my completely worn-out white Privo shoes that I can’t imagine throwing away)

or my fun Le Sportsac purse (which I’ve been using for over two years already).

I like these things so much that I think I will never need to buy another one because I will never want anything different. I guess the towels probably won’t last another 50-60 years, which is at least how long I’d like to last.

I mentioned in my last post that I spoke last week at the women’s group that meets at our church on Thursday mornings. I am posting what I shared so that some of my friends and family who don’t live around here can still know some of the story of what God has been doing in my life lately. I am also going to post a few of the pictures that were included in my PowerPoint so you can follow along that way too.

Connections Focus: January 31, 2008

“Self-Abandonment”

As Sue just mentioned when she introduced me, my name is Ginger. I actually heard there are a couple other Gingers coming to Connections this session, and even though I haven‘t met them, I just wanted to say hi to the Gingers. And hi to everyone else. As you also heard, I’m married to TJ, and he works for CCC doing video and media stuff, so I have to give him all the credit for my PowerPoint today. We have a 2 year old little boy named Bauer. And we’re also expecting another baby in August, so if I get out of breath while I’m speaking, we can blame that on the pregnancy. And just in case you’re wondering, my accent is from the Carolinas, where I spent the first 22 years of my life; then we spent five in Orlando before here about a year and a half ago.

As you know, the theme for Connections this spring is living and loving, which are two things I’m sure we are all familiar with, though I won’t say good at. I know for me, I haven’t been so good at living or at loving. I mean, I can survive from day to day – I have for 28 years so far – and keep breathing and being alive. And I can say “I love you” with my words. But to actually live and mean it, and love and mean it, have been a bit out of my grasp. And I didn’t even make a New Year’s resolution to try and change, but I’ve desired change, and change is happening, and I want to share some it with you today.

Bauer and I spent the first half of January in Hilton Head, SC, visiting my grandmother and getting away from the cold weather. I was sort of nervous going into the vacation because I have never had to be completely responsible for Bauer on my own for that long. Most days, I watch the clock every two minutes from about 5pm on, anxiously awaiting TJ’s arrival home from work, so I can cook dinner in peace. But there would be no TJ coming home to help out with Bauer, and no TJ getting up first in the morning to take Bauer to the potty. No, it was going to be just me and Bauer and I just wasn’t too sure how I’d do on my own for that long. But looking back, I can honestly say it was about the most worthwhile 2 ½ weeks I’ve spent in ages, or maybe ever.

I missed TJ, of course, and I missed our nice comfy bed with the 600 thread-count sheets – they are worth it, really. But there’s a lot I realized I didn’t miss. I didn’t miss the daily routine I had gotten into the habit of back at home, shuffling Bauer from one thing to another to pass the time. I didn’t miss all the chores and to-do lists and having to go through the mail, check emails, make doctor appointments, get exact cash from the bank to pay the babysitter, enter receipts in Quicken, reconcile our Discover card bills, etc. etc. – you fill in the blanks. You know the stuff I’m talking about, stuff that all seems like fairly normal stuff to do, but it can really bog you down if you never stop and be a little more intentional with your life.

But in Hilton Head, I was finally able to rest. I was able to read, write, and think. I was able to be with God in a way I often have missed out on due to the busyness of life that I succumb to. Here is a picture of the view from my bedroom in Hilton Head, where I would go each afternoon while Bauer was having his nap in the next room. My grandmother was usually resting at this time of day, too, so the house was silent. I could see the lagoon and the golf course and the wind blowing (warm wind, by the way) and every once in a while, I’d see the alligator who lived in that lagoon tanning himself on the banks. I would sit on that little twin bed and start by journaling. And then I’d read in my Bible and then I’d perhaps read in another book, and last but not least, I would take a nap. I followed this same routine on most days and not once did I feel like I was wasting time. I felt like I was gaining so much by giving to God and to myself in this way. It was what I had been longing for for a long time, but had been rather unsuccessful at actually doing in the past.

You see, I am a very task-oriented person who thrives by getting things done. I make lists and if you’ve ever been to our house, you know I have the white dry-erase board right by our kitchen that I write all kinds of little notes and reminders to myself, and that’s in addition to the little notebook I keep out at all times with my formal to-do list. I cut coupons and I keep our pantry and fridge completely organized and cleaned out. I look for the most efficient way to do everything and I strive for perfection in most every arena of my life. But that is the old me and God is working on a new me. I realized during my time in Hilton Head that all the craziness and striving I put myself through at home to maintain the illusion of control is really not as worth it as I thought. I have known I didn’t really like being that sort of person – the person who has to have everything put together and who has to be in control – but I haven’t known how to change. But the cool thing is, when I gave God a little more focused time to speak to me and for me to speak to Him, He began showing me. I have begun to slow down and I have begun to experience what I think is the real thing.

Matthew 6:25 in the Bible says “Therefore, I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food and the body more important than clothes?” Verses 32-33 continue, “For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.”

I have spent a lot of my energy in the past worrying about what I would eat and drink. For a couple years not that long ago, I was borderline to having an eating disorder, and even still, I often obsess about controlling what I eat or wanting to make sure I work out so that I can present a certain body image and feel good about myself in that regard. I haven’t worried as much about clothes, but I know I’ve worried about other things that don’t matter. I have spent too much mental energy on tasks to be done and not enough on loving the people in my life. I forget so quickly that God knows what I need and will provide for me if I will give up the control. So the big questions and the big prayers in Hilton Head became – how will I give up control? How will I be different when I go home? How can I bring some of the peace I have experienced back home with me and live differently?

I really do believe God heard me because look what I found! I had been reading a book called Let God, by Winn Collier, which is a paraphrased collection of short letters by a seventeenth century writer named Francois Fenelon to people in all kinds of situations in life. There are two passages I want to share today which were God’s voice to me during my questioning time of how to be different, how to give up control, how to not worry about my life?

The first passage is from a letter “To a Friend in Need of Perspective.” It says: “Here’s how you can start releasing control. Be humble and simple…Don’t make any decision because it’s what’s expected or because it’s what makes sense or because it just seems like it’s what you want to do. That’s illusion stuff. Rather, make every decision an act of listening to another voice: the Spirit of God. And then, after you’ve listened and heard, obey.” I had been praying how do I give up control, and I could hardly believe my eyes when this letter said “Here’s how you can start releasing control.” I can relate so well to that part about doing things because it just seems like it’s what you want to do. I have done that for so much of my life and I am realizing that it is “illusion stuff” as the passage said. It is not meaningful to live just how you want. God is pointing me to a better way.

The second passage is from a letter “To a Spiritually Exhausted Soul.” It reads: “Even when I ask you to love God, don’t hear this as some heavy requirement to work up some emotional feeling of love. I know you may not have that in you right now. Just lean toward love. Just lean – you can do that. Of course, like everyone else, you have corruptness in your heart, but don’t focus on that. Lean toward love, toward God. In this simple leaning, decide that what you want most is God – more than self and more than anything available in this world.” For me, these thoughts are so freeing. I do not consider myself a very emotional person and I have often felt bad that I don’t feel more of a love feeling toward God or others. But I can definitely lean toward love. I love the simplicity of that. I love how this thought makes me crave God’s love and to want to love Him in return.

There are still some days I don’t feel much of anything. I try to read my Bible and I’m not into it. I think about journaling but the thought never materializes, or I get about two lines down before I give up. I know I should be relational, but I choose tasks instead. I get all worried about stuff that doesn’t matter and I lose sight of what matters. I try to control everything to make my life and Bauer’s schedule work out perfectly. Those are the days when I just have to trust that God is enough and I just have to lean into his love.

Other days, though, I find myself making some small progresses….like the day just before I returned home from Hilton Head when I decided to stop clipping coupons, and here’s the picture to prove it. I realized how much of my mental energy that was taking for me to try and keep up with the coupons and make sure I used them before they expired and just the overall feeling that it was something else to be perfect at. My mom gave me some advice about time being my most valuable asset and that day I gave up that one thing. It has honestly been more freeing than I would have imagined.

Another thing I’ve changed in my life since coming home is that now when Bauer has his afternoon nap, I go to our bedroom and sit on the bed and spend time with God in there first – reading, writing, thinking, or however I can lean into His love for that day. I always used to stay out in the dining room or living room or kitchen but when I was out there, even if I tried to spend time with God, I always found myself distracted by email or things to clean up in the kitchen or going through the mail. Now I am seeing that when I give a little bit to God, He gives so much in return. He is giving me more peace, hope, life, meaning, and rest. And the slower and more steady I feel on the inside, the more I have noticed I can give myself lovingly and engagingly to the people around me.

My favorite writer, Anne Lamott, says it this way: “We’re invited more deeply into this mystery on a daily basis, to be here as one-of; a mess like everyone else, and not in charge. That’s why we hate it.” But for me, I can honestly say I am starting to have moments where I don’t hate it because trying to be in control all the time is very tiring and confusing and even kind of boring sometimes. I want it to be true in my life that I can abandon myself knowing I will never be God-abandoned. May you also give up control of your own life to the one who loves and gives and waits patiently and calls your name.

by my friend Shannon to tell 10 things about Bauer. I thought that sounded kind of fun, even though I had planned to do a different post today. I’ll do the 10 Things list today and then early next week, I’ll post the text from my “Focus” talk at Connections from this past Thursday. Because I am an apprentice leader with one of the women’s small groups at my church, I was given the opportunity to sign up to give one of the large-group talks, which are only 10 minutes in length, to the whole group of women before we break into our small groups. I had a really strong desire to sign up and even to go near the beginning of the semester while the things I wanted to talk about were fresh in my mind. I felt it must have been God’s way of leading me to do it, since I felt so little nervousness and mostly excitement to share and contribute. So stay tuned for the talk, in case you’d like to read what I shared.

10 Things About Bauer

1. Every night after dinner, the first thing Bauer wants to do when he gets down from the table is to go get the big broom to “soup” up the crumbs under his chair. We have to get him a little broom, and soon, because he really can’t handle the big one.

2. When we put an end to the sweeping, he next goes over to TJ and looks at TJ’s plate or bowl to see if TJ is finished eating. If the food is gone, Bauer immediately says “Dad done” because he can’t wait for TJ to go play with him. Often we tell Bauer that even though Dad is done, he needs to sit at the table for a few more minutes to talk with Mom. We usually have to tell him that about 5 times just to get 5 more minutes for ourselves at the table.

3. When TJ does get up to leave the table, he often will help me begin the cleanup process by taking some of the dishes into the kitchen. If TJ even mentions “let’s help Mom clean up before we go play,” Bauer is off as quick as can be to get the dish soap from underneath the kitchen sink. He just wants to help with everything these days.

4. Bauer has learned to get out the heavy kitchen stool and open it up and push it over to the sink, where he proceeds to reach for the foamy hand soap bottle and move it over to the counter next to him and then press way too much into his hand. We’re working on teaching him what a little is.

5. When we say prayers with Bauer at night, the order of his list goes something like this – Gigi, Dad, Baa (for Bauer), Nanny (for Nana), Papa, Beh (for Bethany), Baa (for Bauer), Ta-tee (for Tucker), Dad, Wa-Wa (for Water). When he gets to Water, I usually help him finish off listing a few of his friends and then I list Mom and Baby.

6. I keep trying to get Bauer to say his name as two syllables instead of the one – Baa – that he says. I will say, are you a little sheep that goes “Baaa”? And he just says, “no, Baa (for Bauer).” All his little buddies can say his name a lot more clearly than he can, but hopefully he’ll get it before too long.

7. Bauer is starting a 2-morning a week preschool in just a few weeks. It will just be a couple hours each of those mornings, but I’m excited to see how he does, and how I’ll do with the extra bit of time alone. I guess I mean to say, what I’ll do with the extra time, because I am pretty sure the how will be just fine.

8. Bauer loves music. While we were in Hilton Head, I took him to the Barnes & Noble Story Time a few times and it really should have been called Music Time, because there were only about 2 stories and the rest of the time was music for the kids with lots of motions to the songs. After our last time at the Story Time, I talked with the lady who was leading it and asked her what CDs she was using because they seemed to have such good songs. We ended up buying a couple of them that very day – Favorite 100 Songs for Toddlers (which is a 4-CD set) and the Laurie Berkner CD called “Whaddya Think of That?” The Laurie Berkner CD has so many catchy and creative songs on it with easy-to-make-up hand and body motions to go along with the words. Bauer loves all of the new music, and he knows how to work the CD player by himself from start to finish.

9. A new little game Bauer likes to play is to sort of hide, and by sort of, I mean he might be fully in the open lying on the couch with only the blanket covering part of his head and to him that is hiding since he says “Mom, find Baa.” He loves when I make up all the silly places that he couldn’t fit and finally go over and sit on the couch on top of him.

10. We let Bauer play with our old digital camera and we don’t let him touch our newer one. The old one still has a few pictures stored on it and most of them are of things instead of people. There is one, though, of me, taken a while back and that is the only picture Bauer cares about. He always turns on the camera and finds the picture of me, and sometimes I see him zooming in closer and then zooming out. He gets upset if he somehow loses the picture of me and can’t get it back. That’s pretty sweet of him I think.